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siolent

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[29 Sep 2002|08:59pm]
do i really deserve all this shit?

first it's all a secret, then its the rejection. yea i probably do deserve it. you know. like i derserve to be the talk of everyone's conversation because of a slight comment made at the retreat.

i now own indie boys in boxers pics. good?

maybe.

i thought bandaids were supposed to hold the blood in. right?
6| fit of anger

[27 Sep 2002|04:21pm]
you're the only one i wish for now a days.

just found out my exbest friend and exboyfriend were cheating together. how wonderful. another tally to the deepest scars inside of me.

i found out who my real friends are after this. you. you are my real friend. you would never betray me. thanks for always being there, i <3 you! friends f!

i only thought i had died. only to find out that i awoke in a coma.
2| fit of anger

[02 Sep 2002|07:50pm]
err that guy was in a wreck

i got my eoas

no i was eating popcorn. my bad

people don't like me

bye


adding 9-3-02 here

too lazy to start another one.
missed school today. didn't feel well. still can't get online even though i lied to get on here.

here’s about 15 pages of mythology notes with my name on it. Blah.

in other news kolby’s moving, or so he said he was. if he’s gone for a month then there is going to be some serious ‘i miss yous’. holy shit! does this mean that there are no more mst3k mornings?! Nooooo! i’ll DIE!

grr...

golden fleece, ithica, odin...blah. This shit isn't fun.
2| fit of anger

[01 Sep 2002|12:40pm]
you're right this weekend is awful.

right now i don't care about anything. well one thing...but it doesn't matter anyway cause i'm going to die tonight. too bad we just can't sleep our lives away. god i hate everyone, especially that game guy. well not everyone. the only one i don't hate i think might hate me.
3| fit of anger

[29 Aug 2002|06:44am]
ouch....cramps. the most awful word of them all. so we are just going to call it eoas.

no one actually reads these things do they? err guess not. i'm going to stop writing, tired of having to dodge the masters.

the only thing i'm looking forward to is mst3k. thats it.
4| fit of anger

[28 Aug 2002|06:11am]
6:00- if they caught me on here they would torch me. seriously

takes a burning balloon out and sets it free
throws a lit cigarette into a dry field
gasses and lights that empty warehouse
hehe look the world is on fire

don't mind me
3 days no medicine and 5 weeks no bed
what an accomplishment

asks again. simple pleasures people!

is it me or is this thing getting nowhere. no its not just me ITS GETTING NOWHERE

goes back to giving unwanted esp credit to those with no talent. generosity.

*sends better esp than anyone else*
hah that never dies. unlike us.
fit of anger

[25 Aug 2002|07:43pm]
ONE WEEK ONLY! ok since this journal is getting nowhere and i have like 5 friends without lj, i am going to let the 'outside world' post here, but only for a week. cause i know how you all can be. i'll check it this week from time to time. if no one stands in from of me that is.

according to www.howdoesitfeel.co.uk
i am 68% twee
now thats a lot of twee
they said i was worthy enough to join their ritious club. rock on!

i split my pants today.
"hey i'll have a banana split"
"we don't serve those here"
"thats alright. cause i already split my pants"
"te he"
oh that expresses it soo well.
1| fit of anger

[23 Aug 2002|08:29pm]
it's like a wave. you must understand

read the letter to the corinthians. it still breaks my heart to not hear you anymoreCollapse )

that bang a minute ago wasn't just an illusion . it was real. look behind you, you'll see the blood stains of sadness and mercy lying before your feet in a puddle of drenched blood.

it's so lonely here.
fit of anger

[07 Aug 2002|07:39pm]
i knew it was going to happen! now i really am alone. rachel now has her skater boy...who do i have? ugh no one just a bag chips and a face full of tears. it's probably time for me to go now, this world doesn't need my complaints. it's just i can't believe that it actually happened, i'm so fucking alone right now...parents deserted me and what little friends i had, they betrayed me. whats there to do now?

you.
fit of anger

[28 Jul 2002|10:07pm]
understand.

if i was on the edge right now
would your emotions go crazy
or would they hide in the corner?

everything real is fake
maybe that dream you had last night was true
fit of anger

breathe and blade [22 Jul 2002|04:23pm]
[ mood | distant ]

guilt. for hurting everyone yesterday

it was just a bad time

forgiven?

fit of anger

chained opportunity [19 Jul 2002|04:49pm]
[ mood | scared and dazed ]

i went out and played in the rain today but there was no one to play with so i came back in.

got my evaluation this morning from some guy that looked like an apostle, turns out i need blood work to get pills. fuck. i don't want some old shaky nurse to steal my blood! the only people that can have my blood are me, mosquitoes, and maybe if someone hurts me bad enough some blood might show but that's all a mind game.

i finished watching cat's eyes. it was kind of confusing but soo funny and scary. after you watch it you'll find your cat and be like "i love you, i love you, i love you!". ah the joy of owning a cat. i tried to take a nap today but kitty came in and got way more sleep than me. when i woke up his paws were all over my face. haha that's love for you. boy do i love kitty...he's better than any other human friend.

they played a saliva mix today, fuck i almost ripped out my brain. ok if you don't know already saliva is or was a local band here now they're all famous and sing that damn hero song all the time. ohh yea and they aren't good. this town doesn't spit out good talent. by the way elvis wasn't from here. he was from ms which has a lot better musicians even if they aren't that good...take 3 doors down for instance.

right now all i need is a bed, lit- miserable, and another song but i don't know what it is yet (something sad yet good). the bed isn't the problem and neither are the songs really but i'm too lazy to call 93 and request that song.

fit of anger

note pinned to jacket [14 Jul 2002|07:28pm]
[ mood | lifeless ]

bored

last night i had to spill my deepest confessions, my friend cornered me and made me tell her why i "hurt myself". ok first of all never ask me why i "hurt myself", cause all you'll get is a jumble of mixed thoughts and emotions. only someone who is as fucked up as i am can really understand it. after it all happend i felt EXTREME guilt, like i spilled my life to someone whom i really didn't want to spill it to. she is probably telling everyone as i speak....paranoia....sits in corner

1| fit of anger

films seule de l'observation deux [14 Jul 2002|06:00pm]
[ mood | forgotten ]

ok found some movies that are pretty good you should check them out:

Roswell: The Aliens Attack

Damnation Alley

Stardust Memories

enjoy!
oh yea by the way amo tu!
beat that translators

fit of anger

earth murderer [12 Jul 2002|07:42pm]
[ mood | see below ]

for dinner they made red beans and rice, ok if i didn't already have enough shit flowing through my veins now i need to add salty calcium disintegraters to myself. thanks y'all really appreciate it!

how is it that if you have a bad day about 5 more have to follow it? today for example...this is my mood:

mad, sad, angry, maladroit, stupid, disappointed, tired, hungry, grumpy, short tempered, irritated, bitchy, melancholy, depressed, uptight, choleric, moody, bored, hopeless, lazy, and let down. hiss! scratch!

my back hurts, it feels like someone stabbed me or something. oh wait someone did! fucking two face.

new spongebob on today:
Club Spongebob- didn't like too much, had a lord of the flies/fern gully vibe.
Pretty Pony (something like that)- stupid. one funny part. every sad movie's ending.

i think i am going to become a teen activist. hmmm what should it be for?? if you don't tell me soon i might have to start hugging trees. oh no

by the way they closed down perkigoth too...now about 11 of my stations have been put to rest. *salute*

antidepressants monday

fit of anger

ponders way too much [10 Jul 2002|10:54am]
[ mood | somnolent ]

here is how i spent last night/this morning. well i was on the phone from 12:47 to 5:08 (don't know why i remember that). woo hoo i am such a rebel. anyway we talked about your average stuff...how life sucks and how guys are the strangest things ever to walk the earth. so then right when the sun comes up i go to sleep. anyway so about five hours later i was woken by an alarm and my master yelling on the phone...what a morning. so last night i had a lot of time to thing and i have concluded two things:

almost everything that i say i end up regretting. yea think before speaking.

ok no matter how much i like someone or want to believe someone i can't! i really truly do but it's hard. i want to think it's just another case of paranoia but it's happened before...especially at school. and steven didn't help it either, he feed it. psh the letters, what bullshit. feel kind of stupid the fact that i believed him. so all it boils down to my friends (had an alanis moment) is that i want to believe people but unless they show me real proof that they're aren't going behind my back and making me a big joke or something like that then i probably will be super skeptical about our situation.

think about this. someone brought it to my attention last night:
what's the world coming to?
a big orgy
fit of anger

count fudgula [09 Jul 2002|03:35pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

yes mindless cartoons are taking over. like the simpsons. actually i've been staying up super late lately. going to bed around five and stuff. but yesterday the best little infomercial was on. it was with those two brothers and they have this class for real estate selling or something like that. ok maybe it's just me but the last time i checked wasn't that something like timeshares! like any of you care right?

ok so i am going to cheat on getting a degree. hehe evil and secret plan!

fit of anger

films d'observation seuls [07 Jul 2002|03:57pm]
[ mood | can a mood be a headache? ]

ok so last night i was kicked off the computer by my master. so i start watching sci fi. no surprise. here's how it went:

first at 12 was godzilla vs gigan- it was great. if only they hadn't of translated it into english. that sucked. check it out!


2 am was godzilla vs king kong aka kingukongu tai gojira (for you bilingual people out there)- pure genious...great movie and hilarious. check it out!

then went to bed.

fit of anger

cheech is cooler than chong [05 Jul 2002|05:03am]
[ mood | inconscient ]

according to my clock i was born about 4 hours and 10 min ago...offically birthday time now.

caught in a triangle. good vs evil. you know how it goes. first come the tears and guilt then the regrets all in that order. if i had half of a brain then i would know what to do. but cause of my legs shaking (a sign of mental shit..from mag)i unfortunately don't. maybe it's better to be this way..lost and confused like a lamb away from it's herd. so in the end nobody wins...just your sad emotions.

fit of anger

bad week [29 Jun 2002|01:31am]
[ mood | depressed ]

ok first of all I have no idea why I am sharing my personal info with the world but I don't know most of you so it shouldn't matter really.

here it goes: so last night i was innocently watching tv and was called over to the table; knowing that there would be violence, tears, and screams when I walked over; I still reluctantly did.Of course I was right, first they yelled at me about being lazy and all that shit. nothing new. Then they were like "why don't you go do something with your brother sometime?" well I would but why the hell would I want to spend time with him, he lied and told everyone I was "messed up" (that's the nicest way to put it) when he's the one doing pot. very long story. so then they ask the big question "are you depressed?" trying to seem not guilty but not lying I said "I don't know". phew made it out of that one safe. but of course they had to ask the even BIGGER question "do you even care about life?" uh oh I was trapped. "uh..I don't know, I guess so" WRONG ANSWER. they blew up. "what! I'm going to call the police right now and have you arrested for suicide and put you in the hospital" if I remember correctly the answer was "I don't know" not yes or no. what miscommunication! anyway blah blah blah. a little of military school talk mixed with a few margaritas (on their part, not mine..I'm alcohol free remember). after two and a half long hours it was over. finally over. Already being emotionally crippled I stumbled to my room. When I got there I called my best friend of course, aren't they supposed to help you in this time of crisis? here is the exact conversation:
her: hey what happened
me: uh just a big fight
her: oh
me: I had to hold back my tears soo if I start to... *starts crying*
her: ok well I have to go now bye *click*
me: bye?
after about 4 more tries she finally listens to me but my emotions had already died by then. come to find out that when she was off the phone with me, she had called some guy that she didn't even know....it makes me think who's more important. I always thought that you were supposed to trust your best friend...not have second thoughts. what a misleading statement.

1| fit of anger

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